Fourth Phase, Health, Shadow Mountain, Writing

Dopy Don

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Good Morning, Ancientrails! (think Robin Williams)

My new normal: limited movement, O2 more often. Weak and tired. Not a happy place. Yet. It represents part of the slow recovery from the difficulties of the last month.

I hope some p.t. will increase my stamina and strength. Any improvement would be welcome.

Irv and Marilyn, Selam and Mocha came for lunch yesterday. Mocha and Shadow played during our meal. Selam is Irv and Marilyn’s granddaughter. 16.

They brought baked salmon, Saltzman Caesar salad, and an Irv baked apple pie. His grandma’s recipe.

Shadow shows a sweet level of concern, coming close to me in bed, her brown eyes focused on mine. What a gift.

Bad sleep last night. Hope to catch up this morning. At least some.

Saw Trump slouched in a Beijing banquet chair looking every year of his age. Sleepy Joe and Dopy Don. Can’t believe he represents us. China may see itself as the dominant power while we try to figure out what happened.

You, my friends, get me up in the morning. Thank you.

Fourth Phase, Health

Weary

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OK. I’m running on empty. Each small movement taxes my muscles. Even lifting a water glass. Makes me want to do little. Too tiring.

Mental energy even lower. Ordered groceries online. Think I’d been running a marathon.

Talked with Sue Bradshaw, PCP. She’s going to arrange in home p.t. and occupational therapy. Mt. Evans Hospice. She makes me feel safe. Her caring heals.

Today Marilyn and Irv are bringing lunch. Right now the thought of it wears me out. Not the best situation for greeting friends.

This is my limit for today. Manana.

Fourth Phase, Health

Proof of Life

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Spring and the Trial Moon

Tuesday gratefuls: Alan. Caramel Rolls. His weight loss. A thespian. MVP. Tara and Marilyn. Joanne. Jamie. Rich.

Rene Good and Alex Pretti. Say their names,

Sparks of Joy and Awe: MVP

 

Kavannah:  Zerizut.  Zest and Zeal. Enthusiasm. Risking a gray, homebound life. Need a push. Good for another week. Still at risk.

Tarot: paused

One brief shining: MVP here again last night. Wore me out. Slept till 7:30. Yet, tired. This is all I have energy for right now.

Family, Fourth Phase, Friends, Judaism, Shadow Mountain

Enough

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Spring and the Trial Moon

Monday gratefuls: The Ancient Brothers. Safety. May. Spring. The beauty of the Lodgepoles. The Aspens leafing out. BJ and Pammy.

Rene Good and Alex Pretti. Say their names,

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Mac and cheese

 

Kavannah:  Zerizut.  Zest and Zeal. Enthusiasm. Risking a gray, homebound life. Need a push. Good for another week. Still at risk.

Tarot: paused

One brief shining: I pull out mac and cheese. Plate it and warm it. Perhaps a frittata instead. No? A drumstick, blueberries and strawberries. Maybe. Having a refrigerator stocked with ready to eat food. Melissa, my visiting angel.

 

Visiting Angels. A palliative care nurse. A social worker. Melissa. Maddie. Used to be Rachel. My home team. They care about me and I appreciate it.

My friends at CBE. Visiting me. Giving me rides. Ruth coming up to cook for me. Tom and Paul’s visits. I’m a lucky guy. Family coming. Mary. Mark. Joe and Seoah. Ginny and Janice, chosen family.

Alone, but not lonely.

It may be, probably is, that these relationships are my purpose now. Staying in touch. Visits. Zoom calls. Enlivening and being enlivened. Seeing and being seen.

Perhaps this has always been true. I-Thou over the I-Its of career, striving.

Yes. If I-Thou extends to the wild realms, to dogs and cats, to the wonder of the light-eaters, then I say yes. More than skill. More than income. More than knowledge. More than status or power.

The simple, everyday magic of loving and being loved. A hug. A gift of a smile, a kind glance. The warmth of another’s hand. Bedrock for all of life.

 

 

Dogs, Family, Fourth Phase, Health

A New Normal

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Spring and the Trial Moon

Sunday gratefuls: BJ and Pammy, Ahi tuna salad. Torah study. Ginny. Luke. Steve. Jamie. Frittatas. Actinium. My sweet Shadow.

Rene Good. Alex Pretti. Say their names.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Artemis

 

Kavannah:  Zerizut.  Zest and Zeal. Enthusiasm. Risking a gray, homebound life. Need a push. Good for another week. Still at risk.

Tarot: paused

One brief shining: Here’s how it goes. I get up, let Shadow out. I start to write. She comes back in and gets two dried minnows. Plays with her tire, her nyla bone, her lobster. I write until 6 am rolls around. Prozac in a pill pouch. A cup plus of dogfood. I sit, write. She eats, drinks. Outside again, then back in. Minnows.

 

Shadow and I have our routines. When I nap, she naps. At night I say the shema, turn on my oxygen concentrator, and Shadow scoots in, waits until I’m in bed, then jumps up and positions herself. A day.

Her arrival day is February 4th. When Ginny and Janice and I drove up to Granby, just beyond Winter Park. The Granby shelter had this small fluff ball. Who came home with me. The past year and a quarter have had their ups and downs. Which make our routines precious. We have both struggled to stay together.

BJ and Pammy got here around 3 pm. First time I’ve seen Pammy since her transition. She has a full female figure now. “I’m living my best life,” she said.

They’re looking at houses. May move here if they find something they like. Idaho has passed restrictive laws for transgender persons. Even so they’d prefer to stay in Driggs. A conflicted time for them.

I continue to improve. Keep forgetting the head drop. I imagine I can get up and do things like I used to. Nope. I tire quickly. Upstairs to the fridge requires a sit down.

Not my preferred way of living but as a friend of mine’s sister said: This is my new normal.

 

Cooking, Fourth Phase, Health, Shadow Mountain

Trending

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Spring and the Trial Moon

Friday gratefuls: Mac and cheese. Melissa. Her hard work. Lunch. Better sleep. Reading. Emergence. Lodgepoles.

Rene Good. Alex Pretti. Say their names.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: The Moon

 

Kavannah:  Zerizut.  Zest and Zeal. Enthusiasm. Risking a gray, homebound life. Need a push. Good for another week. Still at risk.

Tarot: paused

One brief shining: A healthy helping of homemade mac and cheese. Strawberries and blueberries. Lunch made by Melissa. Food improved. A lot. One piece of the returning to better health puzzle. Sleep another. Plus, as Kate said, the tincture of time.

 

Yes, I’m feeling better. No longer whacked out. Gut calm. Decent sleep. A start. Feels good to not feel bad.

The path to peak health in the fourth phase can be tricky. Quiet this ailment. Treat the cancer. Deal with muscle and stamina loss.

I’m far from it. The most recent insult has taken a positive turn. Trending in the right direction.

Melissa has taken a lot of pressure off me. Laundry. Dishes. Making food. Prepping the guest room. Trash. Picking up and putting away groceries. Getting the mail. Glad both she and Visiting Angels are in my life.

Fourth Phase, Friends, Health, Shadow Mountain, Writing

Visits

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Spring and the Trial Moon

Friday gratefuls: Cold chicken. Asian dumplings. Mac and cheese. Paul, Sarah, Kate, Michael. The tire. Snow.

Rene Good. Alex Pretti. Say their names.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Friends from away

 

Kavannah:  Zerizut.  Zest and Zeal. Enthusiasm. Risking a gray, homebound life. Need a push.

Tarot: paused

One brief shining: Sarah came. Fourteen years since I saw her last. When she and Paul moved to Maine all those years ago. A delight. Kate and Michael, their young energy, committed. Targeted. Paul, my friend. Calling time on the visit. Next stop the Train Museum in Golden. For Max, the train obsessed.

 

Their visit came and went too fast. Politics. Women’s fractured bodily autonomy. By red or blue. The sweetness of old friends with whom fourteen years don’t matter. Right back where we were. Paul and I see each other more often, much more. These are friendships of long, long standing. Precious.

Kate did not get a chance to ask her question. What’s everybody reading? Always a fruitful one. I’ve picked this up from her. Next time.

Michael mentioned the Sherpa Restaurant in Boulder. Run by actual Himalayan sherpas. One of the film company principles–Michael works for a documentary filmmaker–had recently come back from Everest. One of the sherpas he had worked with on Everest was at work in the cafe.

Visits affirm the visitor and the visited. You are both worth the effort of seeing and being seen. No small thang.

Sleep less good last night. Though. No longer falling asleep when I write as I did not so long ago. Body still quiet. Regular food. Healing.

A main issue now: detraining. Major muscle loss. Not sure how or when or whether to address this. Will become more front of mind.

Had a kind note from Allison Theil. A fellow docent from the class of 2005. She says she reads Ancientrails everyday. Allison was/is a good friend. Buoys me up to hear from readers.

 

 

Family, Fourth Phase, Friends, Health, Shadow Mountain

Seeing Past Illness

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Spring and the Trial Moon

Wednesday gratefuls: Shadow. Paul, Sarah, Kate. Snow. Cool nights. Dr. Josy. Melissa. Sleep. Food. This nation. Our lives in it.

Rene Good. Alex Pretti. Say their names.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Fruit

 

Kavannah:  Zerizut.  Zest and Zeal. Enthusiasm. Risking a gray, homebound life. Need a push.

Tarot: paused

One brief shining: As sleep has improved, as my diet has gotten more varied, I can feel definite progress. My body feels better. Yet this journey has taken a lot out of me and full recovery will, I imagine, take months. Rehab, movement. More of each. Staying with sleep and diet.

 

I’ve been house bound for a while. Medical appointments the only exception. I can see how being a shut-in (not quite me, yet for the last few weeks…) might cripple a life. Unless friends and family visit, there’s no frisson, no healthy friction between my life and the lives of others.

Why get dressed? Shower? Follow a routine of rising and sitting down, sitting down and rising. Bed to chair to fridge to chair. Of course I have my zoom calls, friends and grandkids visiting. Melissa twice a week. I’m not all the way down that rabbit hole, but its existence looms closer now.

I pride myself on resilience. Take the hits. Timex. Keep on ticking. When my body kept signaling distress, when sleep seemed faraway, I found myself shrinking, diminished to a janky physical platform and an I can’t see beyond this mess version of my self.

With sleep and good food, as my body has quieted, I’ve begun to see past my illness induced narcissism. I can be grateful, very grateful, for the kindness and love I’ve experienced. Tara and Eleanor. Ginny, Janice, Annie, Luna. Melissa. Ruth. An old man, especially when ill, needs folks who see where he is. Ruth comes at least once a month, cooks for me, tells me, “You’re not old, you’re wise.” Bless her pea-pickin’ heart.

Time for breakfast. Melissa made frittatas.

Fourth Phase, Friends, Health

Less Whacked Out

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Spring and the Trial Moon

Wednesday gratefuls: Snow. 7+ inches. The merry, snowy month of May. Shadow. Melissa. Fried chicken. Mashed potatoes.

Rene Good. Alex Pretti. Say their names.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Alan

 

Kavannah:  Zerizut.  Zest and Zeal. Enthusiasm. Risking a gray, homebound life. Need a push.

Tarot: paused

One brief shining: Sleeping better. Much better. Eating better, too. Feeling less whacked out. Still weak. Stamina poor. Slowly, slowly. Wish I knew what I was recovering from.

 

Another short one. Need to nap. Almost 10 am.

I’m pleased with Melissa. She’s a good cook. Quick, too.

Tara brought sandwiches, fruit salad, and rhubarb surprise. Most excellent.

Will see Paul, Sarah, and Kate on Thursday. BJ and Pammy over the weekend. Alan, Ginny and Janice, too.

Sleepy.