Fourth Phase, Garden, Judaism, Minnesota, Paganism, Reimagine. Reconstruct. Reenchant.

I flew with hawks

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Imbolc and the Moon of Deep Friendship

Thursday gratefuls: Tom and Paul. Tara. Dr. Bupathi. Shadow and her doughnut. Clergy. My time in the ministry. A life lived in pursuit of love and justice.

Rene Good. Alex Pretti. Say their names.

 

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Religion

Week Kavannah: Hakarat Hatov. Gratitude.

I chose this because Tom and Paul are coming. Ruth, too. And, my 79th birthday. And, for life, my precious.

 

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Tarot: Five of Bows, Empowerment

“By facing and defeating our greatest fears, we empower ourselves and grow more resilient and effective against adversity…The empowered individual ultimately has the capability to influence and affect the outcome of events and change perceptions.” Parting the Mist

One brief shining: In 1976 I wore a monk’s robe, a child’s wooden necklace with a cross around my neck. I knelt and a crowd of clergy and elders lay on hands until the hands of those closest to me rested on my head. From layperson to ordained clergy.

 

Those hands felt heavy. I could feel a charge pass from them to me. The laying on of hands. Ancient. Primal.

Political radical. Warrior and priest. I stood with the people of Stevens Square and with the descendants of John Calvin.

An out of body experience: Reverend Buckman-Ellis. “If clergy are usually more priest or more prophet…” I was more prophet.

Yet I prayed. Led worship. Served communion. Baptized my son and his close friend Alex. Studied the scripture.

Until I couldn’t. That day when my spiritual director said, “Charlie, I think you’re a Druid!” I wasn’t. I crossed over from Christian to pagan. Mother Earth my altar and sanctuary.

Kate. Radical Kate. She let me retire from the ministry with dignity. Falling into her life, she was my dear and glorious physician. A synchronicity.

With dogs and vegetables, flowers and honey, our life went against the grain. She my weeding ninja. Me, her gardener. No need for a robe, a title. A spade and a trowel, yes.

Yet I also wandered the natural places of Anoka County. Honing a pagan’s blurring of the lines between creature and plant and landscape. I flew with hawks. Bloomed along the Rum River. Religious.

Until late in my journey, I decided to blend my pagan life with those who escaped from Egypt, who wandered in the desert. Immersed three times in warm mikveh waters. Came out a Jew.

At last. With my Hebrew name, Israel, I became what I always was. A god wrestler. Uneasy with answers. Kate’s path. Then mine. Now one.

 

Fourth Phase, Memories

Waxing and Waning

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Imbolc and the Moon of Deep Friendship

Wednesday gratefuls: Scrivener. Superior Wolf. AI. Writing. My teacher. Shadow and her Lambchop toy. Squeakectomies. Approaching 79. Equanimity. A still space. MVP, my CBE family.

 

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Equanimity

Week Kavannah: Hakarat Hatov. Gratitude.

I chose this because Tom and Paul are coming. Ruth, too. And, my 79th birthday. And, for life, my precious.

 

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Tarot: Four of Stones, protection

“The card symbolizes the transition from vulnerability to security. It emphasizes that while we must weather many trials, establishing a “personal place of emotional safety” is vital for the spirit to thrive.”

 

One brief shining: Mule Deer Fawn show up in my yard a lot in the Spring, sometimes a bit wobbly, their legs and their trunk not always synchronized, their mothers close by, eating and watching, for in the wild the young and the wobbly may meet a Mountain Lion.

 

While taking the garbage to the road this morning, the waxing crescent of the Moon of Deep Friendship shone through patchy Cloud cover. As it swells, grows full, then wanes, the Moon mirrors the Great Wheel of the Year in miniature.

My life wanes: a thrum of MRIs, a calendar colonized by doctors, the ritual of the pills.

We remain fawns for longer than we imagine.

My dad saw me as a Buster Brown revolutionary, then bought me an orange V.W. Later, he told me to cut my hair or leave. I left and never lived at home again.

I was lucky. I met Kate. On our Andover property I found fullness. Gardens. Bees. Dogs. The Orchard. Jon and Joe.

Our years. Heather outside Inverness. Hagia Sophia. Our honeymoon. North from Rome, following spring. First-class Eurail.

Waning began. We celebrated. A long cruise around Latin America. A move to Colorado to be near the grandkids and live in the Mountains. Hannukah with Ruth and Gabe.

Kate’s waning ended five years ago this April. I can see the New Moon coming for me, too. Not imminent, but no longer far away.

I have lived almost five years now in our house, first with Rigel and Kepler, now Shadow. My body has diminished capacity, yes. Opening those heavy jars of sauerkraut. Standing.

My waning. Not finished.

Cancer, Fourth Phase, Health, Myth and Story, Reimagine. Reconstruct. Reenchant.

Cancer or not

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Imbolc and the Moon of Deep Friendship

Tuesday gratefuls: Dreams. Shadow and her doughnut. Tom and Paul. Happy Camper. Clinical trials. New drugs. Dr. Bupathi.  The long, slow march.

Teshuvah. Tikkun. Rabbi Jamie. Artemis in Winter. Gardening. Horticulture. Garlic awaiting Spring. Snow in the forecast. Moisture. Drought. Trees. Wild Neighbors.

 

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Snow

Week Kavannah: Hakarat Hatov. Gratitude.

I chose this because Tom and Paul are coming. Ruth, too. And, my 79th birthday. And, for life, my precious.

 

art@willworthington

Tarot: Seven of Stones, Healing.

Focused on physical healing, I sometimes lose sight of teshuva, returning to the homeland of my soul, my Buddha nature.

 

One brief shining: Healing, the delicate process of becoming whole, is not only for the physical body and reaches into life, whether in a healthy or a sickened body, so much so that even a body with a terminal disease can experience healing, wholeness.

 

Back to my then close friend Steven Miles’ question: What is health in a dying man? I’m inching toward an answer, or at least a personal response, one based on etymology and grounded in theology.

Yes, I’m thinking of myself, for whom healing has become a fraught term since my cancer could no longer be cured. True since 2019 when I finished my first and long series of radiation.

Two years later my first metastases showed up, tipping me over into stage 4 prostate cancer. That was also the same year Kate died.

Let me ask Steve’s question in a personal way. What is health for me in this stage 4 time, knowing stage 5 is death? It’s helpful to me to look at the etymology of healing. Healing comes from the  Old English hæling. It can mean restoration to health, of course, but it can also mean restoration to wholeness.

Before I go further, I want to say again: Life is a terminal disease, one with many paths but only one destination.  Cancer is no more the certain cause of my death than any other; it’s just the most obvious possibility.

What is healing in a dying man such as myself? Or, such as you, reader? Can I heal even in Stage 4? Can I be restored to wholeness? I say yes.

Wholeness and teshuva. When I let cancer dominate my thoughts, which happens more than I wish, I commit hamartia,  a Greek word that means to miss the mark though often translated as sin.

I find teshuva a much better antidote to hamartia than a desire for salvation to wash away my sin. A pox on that idea. No. When I miss the mark, that is, when I turn away from wholeness, I need not external salvation from a punishing God or his Son, but to return to the homeland of my soul.

We are whole, healed whenever we can look up from our blinkered obsessions with illness, money, achievement and see once again the unique and rare gift we are. Just as we are. Whether in robust physical health or further along our way to that most ancientrail and ultimate mystery, death.

When I take my attention away from blood draws and clinical trials, I remain who I am, who I was, and who I shall be. Curious, active, a seeker after knowledge and justice. A guy thrown into the mid-point of the last century and tasked with being myself in the years since 1947. Cancer included.

 

 

Life Kavannah: Wu Wei    Shadow, my Wu Wei mistress

Year Kavannah: Creativity.   Yetziratiut.   “Inspiration exists, but it has to find you working.” ― Pablo Picasso

Cinema and Television, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Shadow Mountain

Habituated?

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Imbolc and the Moon of Deep Friendship

Monday gratefuls: Tara. Sally Jobe/Invision Imaging. The Dexa scan. Bone health. Shadow, her quiet strength. Irv and the CBE Men’s group. Luke and Leo. Rosemary and Thyme. Cozies. Tea. Chinese. Green. White. Yellow. Oolong. Red. (black). Pu-er (dark) Altitude and its effect on boiling Water temperature. Seahawks. Diversions and distractions.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Our skeleton

Life Kavannah: Wu Wei    Shadow, my Wu Wei mistress

Year Kavannah: Creativity.   Yetziratiut.   “Inspiration exists, but it has to find you working.” ― Pablo Picasso

Week Kavannah: Hakarat Hatov. Gratitude.

Practice acknowledging the positive, often overlooked aspects of life.

 

Tarot: Knight of Arrows, Hawk

  • Visionary Power: Symbolizes the ability to see the “bigger picture” from a high vantage point, helping to cut through doubt and uncertainty.
  • Intellectual Focus: Reflects a sharp, analytical mind that uses common sense and logic to solve complex problems at their core.

 

One brief shining: Once again Minnesota on my mind as I read about how non-violent protests have toppled autocracies, as I see Snow sculpture and, ironically, Ice sculptures celebrating the resistance there in images of Rene Good and Alex Pretti, people cross-country skiing to candlelight, wondering what’s next, maybe an ICE fishing village.

Confession: I spend a lot of time watching TV. At least lately. Yesterday I binged the Lincoln Lawyer and watched two episodes of Rosemary and Thyme. Sitting in my comfortable chair that supports my neck. It’s ok if you judge me; I judge myself.

Wanting to get to the root of this. I’m going to write about it. Which often unlocks my psyche to my own Self. Helps me with teshuva, returning to the homeland of my soul.

Yes, distraction. No doubt. While immersed in others’ stories, I can set mine aside. Some distraction is ok with me. It’s the quantity that bothers me.

Which is not to say it’s only distraction. I do love stories whether told on the screen or on the page. I imagine you could peg my lean toward religion as a love of story, too.

Here’s my hunch right now. I find Shadow’s injury has sapped some of my psychic energy. Concern and care for her. Then, the recent and incessant drum beat of this medical thing, that medical thing climaxing in a shift to hormone resistant prostate cancer. Finally, physical limitations imposed by my right lower back and my head drop. All of this psychic overburden leaves me with little “doing” energy.

Frustrating because before Shadow’s injury and my Petscan results, I’d found a good rhythm: up at 4:30, let Shadow out, write Ancientrails, feed Shadow, a snack followed by resistance workout, then reading for my planned substack on Knowing the Far Right. A nap. An hour or so of work on Superior Wolf. That’s a full day for me. After that watching TV or reading fiction, unrelated non-fiction.

Frustrating too because I know which is easier and which feeds my soul. I can’t tell whether I’ve habituated myself (what I fear) or whether this is a response to a life with too many intersecting causes of stress. If the latter, when Shadow heals, when I begin my clinical trial, perhaps I’ll be able to get back to that other rhythm.

 

 

 

 

Judaism

Teshuvah and Tikkun Olam

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Imbolc and the Moon of Deep Friendship

Sunday gratefuls: Ruth. Mary. Tom. Paul. The Ancient Brothers on Judaism. Snowless Winter. Joe skiing. Eating Mexican on an Army base. Korea. Cold and Snow. Minneapolis. Resistance. Staying in the fight. Teshuva. Tikkun Olam. Tzedek Elohim. Mitzrayim. Religion. Horticulture. Street politics. Dogs. Art. Kate, always Kate. AI.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Gardening

Life Kavannah: Wu Wei    Shadow, my Wu Wei mistress

Year Kavannah: Creativity.   Yetziratiut.   “Inspiration exists, but it has to find you working.” ― Pablo Picasso

Week Kavannah: Hakarat Hatov. Gratitude.

  • Literally “recognizing the good,” it is the practice of acknowledging the positive, often overlooked aspects of life.
  • Core Principles: It encourages focusing on what you have rather than what you lack, recognizing the humanity in others, and appreciating the natural world.

Tarot: Page of Vessels, the Otter

  • Playful Energy: The otter represents a need to be curious, lighthearted, and to find joy even in simple things.
  • Creativity and Imagination: This card often signals a time to tap into your creative potential and allow your imagination to flow.
  • Adaptability: Like an otter navigating water, this archetype encourages flowing with life’s changes rather than resisting them.

One brief shining: As I follow the flow of my life toward birthday 79, I can slip into the water like an Otter, perhaps Maxwell Creek, perhaps Kate’s Creek, perhaps the headwaters of the Mississippi, and feel the current take me, a surge of joy, an ongoing struggle to stay alive, a pool of calm with Shadow and Shadow Mountain home, an embrace of friends and family all carrying me toward the world Ocean where I will become yet another wave.

Torah being read at a Bar Mitzvah

Judaism: My Ancient Brothers have asked me to talk about Judaism. I feel honored. But. How to capsulize this ancient faith, make it come alive for them?

Rabbi Rami Shapiro’s book, Judaism Without Tribalism, will be my guide. In the flensing of institutional accretions Shapiro leaves us with a skeletal view of religion, what it truly supports without the encumbrance of orthodoxy, dogma, belief and how each religion so considered can provide us with enough poetry to live by.

Rami, though a Reform Rabbi, leans into a Reconstructionist perspective when he discusses his own Judaism. A Judaism that rejects the notion of Jews as a chosen tribe. This is Judaism without tribalism. Like Mordecai Kaplan, the founder of the Reconstructionist movement, he rejects an assumed superiority-tribalism, while finding Judaism as culture, as a civilization valuable and well worth preserving.

He says Judaism has two key ideas to share, ideas that can help Judaism fulfill its mission to be a blessing to the whole world. Teshuva and Tikkun Olam. That is, Teshuva, the individual, interior journey of returning to the homeland of your soul, your Buddha nature, your authentic self, and Tikkun Olam, the exterior journey, which focuses on repair of a broken and divided world.

The Jew has several tools from within the tradition that supports both. Among them are Shabbat which releases us from the restrictive narrowness (mitzrayim) of daily life and immerses us in our sacred nature. Zedakah, the just use of money and capital. Gemilut chasadim, the practice of loving-kindness. And,  kavanot, setting our intentions toward righteousness.

There is more, much much more, but this gets at the nub of why Judaism has become my spiritual home.

Acting, Cancer, Health, Science

Choices

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Imbolc and the Moon of Deep Friendship

Shabbat gratefuls: Shadow, her bandage changed. Dr. Josy. AI help with the next step choices on prostate cancer. Jamie Bernstein. Bagel Table. Winter Olympics. Joe, the ski racer. Religion. Religions. Hinduism. Buddhism. Islam. Christianity. Judaism. Sikh. Jain. Parsi. Taoism. Shamanism. Paganism.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: AI

Life Kavannah: Wu Wei    Shadow, my Wu Wei mistress

Year Kavannah: Creativity.   Yetziratiut.   “Inspiration exists, but it has to find you working.” ― Pablo Picasso

Week Kavannah: Hakarat Hatov. Gratitude.

  • Literally “recognizing the good,” it is the practice of acknowledging the positive, often overlooked aspects of life.
  • Core Principles: It encourages focusing on what you have rather than what you lack, recognizing the humanity in others, and appreciating the natural world.

Tarot: 11 The Woodward

“…an “ancient guardian of the Wildwood,” it symbolizes inner strength, facing fears, understanding darkness, and managing primal instincts with quiet courage.”

One brief shining: Purpose porpoise deep sea waters diving down inside toward the great Holy Well of the collective unconscious, into the nefesh, the hidden places from which our souls gain nourishment, our bodies will, intent, courage and our lives find their firm foundations.

Health: Spent a good bit of yesterday trying to parse the difference between choosing the known Pluvicto and the gamble on the clinical trial. Hit on the idea of asking chatgpt which I’ve found a reliable interlocutor on questions medical.

Here’s the prompt I used:  My latest petscan showed significant increase in osseous metastases. I’m now in hormone resistant disease. My oncologist gave me the option of Pluvicto or a similar drug using Actinium but in a clinical trial. I’m not sure how to weigh the harsher Pluvicto against the possibility that I would end up in the control group for the trial. what do you think?

I also put the same question to Gemini 3.0 and Claude. I got a lot of useful, thought provoking material from all three. This came in a longer response from Gemini 3.0 and I found it helpful:

Why Choose the Trial?

  • Access to “Next-Gen” Tech: Actinium is often used as a “salvage” therapy for people who have already failed Pluvicto. By joining the trial, you are potentially skipping a step and going straight to the most powerful tool available.

  • Close Monitoring: Trial patients at RMCC receive much more frequent scans, blood work, and “concierge-level” attention from a dedicated research nurse compared to standard patients.

4. Why Choose Pluvicto (Standard Care)?

  • Certainty: You know exactly what you are getting and when.

  • Proven Track Record: It is the global gold standard for a reason. It works well and the side effects are very predictable.

Based on reading the responses from all three, I’m leaning toward the trial if I get positive answers to these questions from Annie Sauve, the Rocky Mountain Cancer Care nurse in charge of the trial:

  • “If I am randomized into the control group, what specific drug will I receive? Is it Pluvicto?”

  • “Does this trial have a ‘crossover’ provision if my next scan shows progression?”

  • “Given my concern about dry mouth, what salivary gland protection protocols (like ‘cold caps’ or injections) do you use during the Actinium infusion?”

  • How many times will l have to travel into Denver? I live in Conifer.  (I added this question)

As you can see, these are not straight forward matters. And, the stakes are high. I’m doing fine emotionally, looking forward to getting underway.

Health, Politics

Calibration

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Imbolc and the Moon of Deep Friendship

Friday gratefuls: Rabbi Rami. Rabbi Jamie. Rich. Marilyn. Tara. Alan. Stephen Miller. Judaism. Two Jews, three opinions. Teshuva. Tikkun. The One. Morning service. Kabbalat Shabbat service. High Holidays. Passover Seder. Purim. Simcha Torah. Shavuot. Succoth. Tu B’Shvat. Hannukah. Bet din. Mikveh. Sabbath. Israel. Holocaust. Pogroms. Reconquista. Mussar. Blessings. Belonging before believing. Reconstructionist. Reform. Conservative. Orthodox. Tanakh. Torah. Songs. Writings. Shiva.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Cinema

Life Kavannah: Wu Wei    Shadow, my Wu Wei mistress

Year Kavannah: Creativity.   Yetziratiut.   “Inspiration exists, but it has to find you working.” ― Pablo Picasso

Week Kavannah: Tikkun  Olam. Repairing the world.

  • Lurianic Kabbalah: A 16th-century mystical belief that the world was created by divine vessels that shattered, scattering “sparks” of divine light. Humans perform tikkun by gathering these sparks through prayer and mitzvot.
  • Modern Social Justice: Since the 1950s, the term has become a shorthand for social action and progressive activism, such as environmentalism and human rights.
art@willworthington

Tarot: 10 The Wheel

“The Wheel has turned; change is at hand. In all nature, there is a time and tide. The cyclic laws of birth, death, and rebirth are ever revolving and, without change, all things stagnate. How you deal with this change is the issue here. Within the tangled and tightly woven fabric of chance, you have the power to make a difference. By your own action you can change your life.”  Parting the Mists

 

One brief shining: On walking into Ginger Itaewon I noticed a string of Korean flags and on the front wall, the word Itaewon in large yellow letters, naming a culturally diverse, tourist friendly neighborhood in Seoul, yet over the cash register hung a portrait of the Thai king and the door to the kitchen had a colorful Japanese cloth room divider. Culture clash.

Evergreen: Drove over to Evergreen for lunch with Rebecca at Ginger Itaewon. Turns out the owner, a former Texan, is Thai.

I planned to calibrate through this lunch plus the drive to Evergreen and back how much accommodation I need to make to head drop. I had it figured about right. A half hour drive plus an hour and fifteen minute lunch, then a half hour back home found me nap ready.

No more driving into Denver. Perhaps western Lakewood, no further. The combination of holding my head up while I drive, then sitting for an hour or so in a chair with no head support? At the outer edge of my capacity. Holding my head up now calls on back and shoulder muscles that begin to fasciculate under the strain. Effects my capacity to use silverware, eat from a plate. Geez. Eating out’s not as much fun.

Now rescheduling any days on which I have two medical appointments. Used to bunch them for convenience, now I can’t handle more than one a day.

Just a moment: Drawing down 700 ICE agents. Leaving only 2300-only?-in Minneapolis. Still not getting the message. ICE out now!

Friend Tom sent me this link to an MPR article: Pursued by Federal Agents Suburban ICE Observers Remain Resolved.

Here a couple of paragraphs:

“Elizabeth and other suburban observers interviewed for this story said they haven’t seen federal agents de-escalate their activities since Homan’s arrival. In fact, they’ve noticed more federal agents on the roads, and the agents have moved from merely mocking observers to aggressively pursuing them or using dangerous tactics to try to box them in on suburban roads.

“I think they’re getting angry that we’re winning and the country is rallying around us,” Elizabeth said. “We’re so organized and we act with such integrity. They don’t want to admit they feel threatened by us.””

 

 

Dogs, Health

Arrival Day

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Imbolc and the Moon of Deep Friendship

Thursday gratefuls: Tara. Alan. Marilyn. Rebecca. Jamie. Rich. Shadow worrying her cone. Russia. Ukraine. Israel. Gaza. Venezuela. Honduras. Mexico and buddy Ode. Canada. Greenland. The Gulf of…..wait for it. Mexico! Minnesota and Minnesotans. Minneapolis. The Waters of Minnesota: Glacial Lakes, the Mississippi rising in Lake Itasca, Lake Superior, the Minnesota River, Rum River.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Shadow Mountain home

Life Kavannah: Wu Wei    Shadow, my Wu Wei mistress

Year Kavannah: Creativity.   Yetziratiut.   “Inspiration exists, but it has to find you working.” ― Pablo Picasso

Week Kavannah: Tikkun  Olam. Repairing the world.

  • Lurianic Kabbalah: A 16th-century mystical belief that the world was created by divine vessels that shattered, scattering “sparks” of divine light. Humans perform tikkun by gathering these sparks through prayer and mitzvot.
  • Modern Social Justice: Since the 1950s, the term has become a shorthand for social action and progressive activism, such as environmentalism and human rights.
art@willworthington

Tarot: Seven of Stones, Healing

“After physical or emotional sickness or injury, a time of inner rest and rejuvenation is required. Patient and peaceful healing comes from a spiritual source. Wholeness and recovery will follow a serious physical or emotional wounding.”

One brief shining: Long ago, maybe 40 years or more, a then close friend, Steve Miles, had taken leave from medical school to care for his terminally ill grandfather; as we talked about his time with his grandfather, he asked, “What is health in a dying person?”

Health:  Maybe in a movie? Or, a book. “There’s no such thing as dying. You’re either alive or dead.” Relates to Steve’s question and my current situation. You could say I’m dying, probably closer than most of those I’m close to, yet my experience is of being alive. Right now in this moment. Laying down yet more words on this 22 year old ancientrail. Watching Shadow try to rid herself of that damned plastic cone. Hearing the boiler kick on with its whoosh of flame. The black morning Sky.

That may be the answer to Steve’s question. After all, life is a terminal disease. If we’re above ground and taking nourishment, that’s an important indicator of health.

Joy. Love. Compassion. I still have these to offer. My mind is sharp. Shadow and I have figured it out. I say  joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea, joy for you and me.

 

Dog journal: Yesterday was arrival day for Shadow. A small puppy who hid under my bed for three days. 2025. Oh, what a year it has been.

Ginny, Janice, Annie, Luna and I drove up I-70 to Berthoud Pass, went through Winter Park and in to Granby. Down an icy backroad, set off on plot of land by itself, was the Granby shelter. I met Shadow and decided, right then, to adopt her.

Months passed and she grew from a small puppy to a 37 pound Blue Heeler, often fearful, loving and sweet. Difficult. Thanks to some earlier trauma thresholds caused her to shy away, refuse to come in. As I’ve written here.

As my wu wei mistress, Shadow has taught me to roll with the flow of her life; even when I thought I couldn’t keep her safe from Mountain Lions or the cold, she came back to me.

This morning she crawled up on my pillow, kissed me, then laid her beconed head on my neck, just resting there for quite a while. Me and my Shadow.

Aging, Family, Feelings, Fourth Phase, Friends, Health

All Joyful

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Imbolc and the Moon of Deep Friendship

Wednesday gratefuls: Art Linkletter, Kids Say the Darndest Things. Rimadyl for Shadow and her Halloween themed booties. Tara and her life. Costa Rica maybe. Shirley Waste. Tom, Roxann. Paul and Washington County, Maine. Cool night. Prostate cancer treatments. Joe and Seoah. Thugees. Melting ICE. Minneapolis. Minnesota.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Deep Friendships

Life Kavannah: Wu Wei    Shadow, my Wu Wei mistress

Year Kavannah: Creativity.   Yetziratiut.   “Inspiration exists, but it has to find you working.” ― Pablo Picasso

Week Kavannah: Tikkun  Olam. Repairing the world.

  • Lurianic Kabbalah: A 16th-century mystical belief that the world was created by divine vessels that shattered, scattering “sparks” of divine light. Humans perform tikkun by gathering these sparks through prayer and mitzvot.
  • Modern Social Justice: Since the 1950s, the term has become a shorthand for social action and progressive activism, such as environmentalism and human rights.

Tarot: Ace of Vessels, The Waters of Life

“When nearing the heart of a sacred quest, motivation and integrity of human desires are challenged. Ancient wisdom demands the seeker be humble and forgiving. Respect for others and for the environment is required to proceed along the path to enlightenment. There is no completion without overcoming the challenge.” Parting the Mists

One brief shining: This last Petscan may have revealed the heart of my prostate cancer journey, a final goodbye to the treatment that has worked for me for years following the failures of surgery and radiation, ushering in a moment poised between androgen deprivation therapy and a time of greater uncertainty, more exotic treatments.

 

I’m aware my posts of late have veered from the dread fallen on my once and forever home state of Minnesota to difficult medical news-Shadow and me-with only a sprinkling of other, less dire topics. The realities of my life right now. For some close friends as well. Life in the old age zone.

Yet. It is still just that. Life. One filled with joys like a Dog sleeping next to me. A good friend visiting. A poetic movie, Train Dreams. Sausage and sauerkraut and sweet peppers. Yogurt, eggs, and a protein bar. Sleeping in a cold room. Making my own decisions. Finding new friends like Dr. Josy, Natalie. Reading. Dreaming.

And, some humor. I used to love watching Art Linkletter’s show, Kids Say the Darndest Things. An example: “ear wax is hands that slab your brain and you won’t be able to talk anymore.”

Thinking about it reminded me of a “60 Minutes” segment from the same period on childproof pill bottles. In the segment the host handed some kids pill bottles with “childproof” caps. At first they tried to open them the usual way. The caps worked. Then, one kid threw the pill bottle on the ground and stepped on it. Voila!

Never thought I’d use that bit of knowledge myself. Shadow has begun holding her right leg up, the bandaged one. Dr. Josy called in a prescription to King Sooper and I went to the pharmacy. Sure enough, an old guy proof cap. Guess what I did. Yep. Learned it from TV.

A friend yesterday asked me if I had a bucket list. Not really. Well, what brings you joy? I get up at 4:30 with Shadow. Let her out and back in. Write Ancientrails. A light snack and a workout. Breakfast. Reading for my project on explaining the new (and old) far right. Some work on Superior Wolf. A nap with Shadow. Lunch. Watching some TV or reading fiction. A light supper, feeding Shadow again. Throw in some zoom sessions with friends, family. Perhaps a mussar session, a torah study, breakfast or lunch with friends. All joyful.

Cancer, Health

A Shared Glide Path

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Imbolc and the Moon of Deep Friendship

Tuesday gratefuls: Taylor. Dr. Bupathi. Maddie. Tara. Clinical trials. Prostate cancer. Its lessons. Driving down the hill. Shadow of the morning. The Predatory Hegemon. Imbolc. Sheep. Cattle. Goats. Muster Dogs. Cattle Dogs. Blue Heelers. Irish Wolfhounds. Whippets. German Wirehairs. Akitas. Dexa scan.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Oncologists

Life Kavannah: Wu Wei    Shadow, my Wu Wei mistress

Year Kavannah: Creativity.   Yetziratiut.   “Inspiration exists, but it has to find you working.” ― Pablo Picasso

Week Kavannah: Tikkun  Olam. Repairing the world.

  • Lurianic Kabbalah: A 16th-century mystical belief that the world was created by divine vessels that shattered, scattering “sparks” of divine light. Humans perform tikkun by gathering these sparks through prayer and mitzvot.
  • Modern Social Justice: Since the 1950s, the term has become a shorthand for social action and progressive activism, such as environmentalism and human rights. 

Tarot: Eight of Bows, Hearthfire

“A hearthfire gives warmth and light in the deep midwinter. Warmth of life, love, and friendship are shared generously. There is a sincere desire for celebration, security, and harmony shared with companions and kindred spirits. This also leads to the attainment of innermost peace and the feelings of personal well-being and achievement.” Parting the Mists

One brief shining: Drove down the hill again, as I did so often with Kate, all medical reasons for her: the emergency room, the hospital, her rheumatologist or pulmonologist, this time for me but visiting the same medical complex around Swedish hospital, seeing my oncologist’s P.A. Taylor to find out what new protocol might extend my life.

Health: Radiologist’s impression after reading my most recent Petscan: “Significantly worsened osseous metastatic disease, with increased uptake within many pre-existing lesions and multiple new radiotracer avid lesions throughout the axial and appendicular skeleton.”

There are two good notes in that dismal sentence. 1. Osseous metastases. Prostate cancer in the bone rather than organs or other soft tissue has proven more treatable. 2. Radiotracer avidity. This because it means my cancer is an excellent candidate for Pluvicto.

Pluvicto uses a radioactive tracer identical to the one used in the Petscan, but in this case to deliver a radiation dose directly to each cancer cell. It does have downsides, for example:

“To minimize radiation exposure to others following administration of PLUVICTO, limit close contact (less than 3 feet) with household contacts for 2 days and sleep in a separate bedroom from household contacts for 3 days.” I mean, geez.

A new drug with a similar mechanism of action but with less dramatic side effects is in clinical trials here in Denver. I have been admitted, tentatively, to the trial. If I randomize into the control group, I’ll get pulled out and go with Pluvicto. If I get in the trial group receiving the new medication, I’ll stay in the study.

All this because my cancer has taken an aggressive turn and we need to get out ahead of it again. Fun times.

There are other options, the primary one being chemotherapy. Which I want to avoid as long as possible.

I know all of this sounds bleak, and it is in its drama. However. We’re all on a glide path to death. My path has more obvious trailheads, perhaps, but its destination? No different from yours.