Fourth Phase, Health, Shadow Mountain

Finally.

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Spring and the Trial Moon

Shabbat gratefuls: Melissa. Ruth. Gabe. Shadow of the morning. CNS. Neck. Gut. Shrimp stirfry. Mac and cheese. Sleep.

Rene Good. Alex Pretti. Say their names.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Naps

 

Kavannah: Zerizut.  Zest and Zeal. Enthusiasm. Risking a gray, homebound life. Need a push.

Tarot: paused

One brief shining: First. Apologies for my erratic posting. Life over the last month, six weeks has taken a toll. Second, I am getting better sleep. Not enough, but better. I’ll admit the last two weeks have been tough. Yet, I’m still here. Adapting. Moving forward.

 

Ruth came up Thursday around 11:00. We talked. My woes. Her ulna–too long–which will get surgically shortened in early June. She had her last final that morning and all the while we talked, she kept refreshing her phone, hoping more grades had been posted. She’s done well so far.

At 6 PM the now committed Regis University student, Gabe, came up by commuter bus. He and Ruth bought pizza at Ripple for supper. Gabe says he’s not excited yet about Regis. In July, I will be.

This fall all the grandkids will be in college. Wow. A long way from Ruth’s first trip with me to the National Western Stockshow at age 3. From holding a naked 8 day old Gabe on my lap as the mohel made him part of the covenant.

The Great Circle of life.

Melissa came again. Her husband, former paratrooper in the Army’s 101st Airborne, works now as a mechanic on heavy equipment, an installer of car stackers, and the go-to guy if industrial strength belts are involved.

Yesterday she made chicken noodle soup, shrimp stir-fry, and one I don’t remember. She’s quite a cook with a wide repertoire.

Busy day yesterday interspersed with naps. Sorting through my feelings about weakness, my neck, cancer. Trying to find a sweet spot. Eluding me so far.

Fourth Phase, Health

The Cost

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Spring and the Trial Moon

Wednesday gratefuls: Bosch. Pill Pockets. Shadow’s care. Snow. More today. Tara. Paul. Mario, the delivery guy. Maddie.

Rene Good. Alex Pretti. Say their names.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Food

 

Kavannah: Contentment, Histakop. I have enough. Friends. Family. Money. Health. House. Help

Tarot: paused

One brief shining: Maddie drove up from her office in Arvada. She has other patients up here. She offered me oxy. Nope. Pain episodic and brief. Tramadol works well. She ordered trazadone for sleep. Gonna try it. Though. Tried Trazadone a while back and didn’t like it. Can’t recall why.

 

Feeling fuzzy. Not close to my best, yet far better than a week ago. Slept well again last night. The sleep mafia might have applied some vigorish to my sleep debt. Able to concentrate better. Only better. Not well. Frustrating.

Add that to overall weakness and bedtime has become my favorite. When I can lie down, neck and back supported. Yes.

Moving forward I’m hoping that Melissa’s cooking will begin to bulk me up. Had chili and corn bread last night. Very good.

I’m living to get to treatment. Back. Rest. It’s a poor excuse for a life. Given my current cancer reality however, this trial could be a window into a longer life. Worth pursuing.

The cost? Loss of muscle mass, sleep, occasional fogginess, constipation. Not trivial.

I’ve had several stressful medical encounters already this year. Right now I’m too tired to reflect on them. They can be cumulative and I feel that’s what I’m dealing with.

Till tomorrow.

Fourth Phase, Health, Shadow Mountain

Debt

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Spring and the Trial Moon

Wednesday gratefuls: Better sleep. Melissa. 101st Airborne. Katie. Visiting Angels. Relief.

Rene Good. Alex Pretti. Say their names.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Sleep

 

 

Kavannah: Contentment, Histakop. I have enough. Friends. Family. Money. Health. House. Help

Tarot: paused

One brief shining: Last night. Woke up only once. Still knackered, but chipping away at the mountain of sleep debt accrued in the days following trial session #1. I also got back to sleep. Though. When I got up, I kept falling asleep at my keyboard, often leaving long trails of a single character I had to delete.

 

Melissa came yesterday. She lives in Pine, a small community west and south of here. In four hours she did two loads of laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, got my mail, and made four containers: two of chili, shrimp scampi, tater tot casserole.

She made these from ingredients I already had. This gal is serious about her work. Lifts some pressure from me.

Melissa, raised in Oregon, has lived all over the U,S,A, Her husband served in the Army, 101st Airborne Division. She has five dogs including a Great Dane and a French Pug.

Once we get ourselves fully in synch. Wow.

Protection protocol for actinium leaking from my body ends today. It’s a hassle but mostly doable. Should be easier the second time.

My body seems to have equilibrated. Glad. Biggest issue now is exhaustion, sleep debt. Strong.

I see Maddie today. Palliative care nurse. We’ll have a lot to discuss.

After Maddie, Tara and Eleanor come. With lunch.

2:30 to 6:30. Window for delivery and installation of my new dishwasher, Whew.

Gonna stop here. Tired.

Cancer, Fourth Phase, Health, Shadow Mountain

Touch better

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Spring and the Trial Moon

Tuesday gratefuls: Mary. Tom. Ruth. Gabe. Shadow. Night sky. Back to the Moon. More sleep. Visiting Angels. Start today.

Rene Good. Alex Pretti. Say their names.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: New drugs

 

Kavannah: Contentment, Histakop. I have enough. Friends. Family. Money. Health. House. Help

Tarot: paused

One brief shining:  Dry mouth. Makes food taste like cardboard. And, not tasty cardboard. Told my oncologist. He said, “Sweet, wet, and cold foods retain their taste best.” An odd breakdown, but o.k. Wet? Ramen it was. Sweet? Hmmm. Cold? Shrimp cocktail. Watermelon chunks. How to put together?

 

How was last night different from all other nights? I had more sleep than wakefulness. Felt almost normal. Still over tired. A big sleep deficit. Not resolved in one night. Felt so good to realize I’d slept.

A blur. A sleepy haze. No way to spend a day. Reading. Nope! TV.  Making some food. Then, a nap. Or, two.

I let inner darkness, deep shadows taint my mood, my feelings, my thinking. Yesterday. Like a fever breaking. In a moment I recast all those melancholic ideas, feelings. They come from an extreme place. When the cancer rises. When sleep recedes. With extreme visions. Enough. Let’s coast toward the end. Your G.I. tract will never stabilize.

I saw them for what they were: my back against the wall solutions. Accept what they send as a message. Don’t be afraid to do something. Radical moments require radical responses.

Or. Do they? What if the slip into fearful solutions gets hijacked by a miserable guy, leading a not so happy life. For the last week. Could he, say choose hospice? Or drink more Miralax?

A week of disorientation, stomach/bowels upset only evokes a temporary setback. Just feels bad. Yet in the moment I had my melancholy blinker on. I would let in information or thoughts that confirmed my bias. A trap, a Chinese finger puzzle of the mind.

That moment of clarity I mentioned? Took off the blinkers, helped me see the whole wonderful world. Not just the parts of it causing pain. The note from Mary saying she might come and stay with me a while. That ramen. RJ and Michelle at Bond and Devick.

Disoriented? Yes. In psychic pain? Yes. Also companion to Shadow. Maker of ramen. Liking the cool weather.

Cancer, Fourth Phase, Health

A Sinking Ship

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Spring and the Trial Moon

Monday gratefuls: Some sleep. Joe. Shadow. Money. Visiting Angels. Katie. Samantha. Morning sun. Dog run. Orbit gum.

Rene Good. Alex Pretti. Say their names.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Alpha emitters

Kavannah: Contentment, Histakop. I have enough. Friends. Family. Money. Health. House. Help

Tarot: paused

One brief shining: The night time insult parade. Nope. Not sleepy. Where’s my duvet? This side, that side. Down. Up, the most comfortable. Get up. Go back to bed. Get up again. Moisten mouth. Back. No joy. That frustrated, purposeless moment when you realize: sleeps not coming.

 

My mind. Not shuttered, but turned way down. Thick liquid between its work and my reality. Lasts more or less all day. Hard to do anything except visit.

Sent word to RMCC. Sam. Asking for help.

Thoughts come and go, Michelangelo.

As with other moments, recent and faraway, when stressed my mind often shifts topics. In particular, considering the long term stress from over 11 years, wondering how much longer this sort of historic abomination I’ll put up with.

My body feels tired of it all. Would rather hole up in a cozy corner and read a book. Judy Sherman, my friend who chose death with dignity, told me: My body has had it. I now understand the depth of that short, simple statement.

This trial is my last stand. If it doesn’t produce bang up results–much lower PSA, tumors in retreat–I’ll look again at hospice. Weary.

Some of this is discomfort talking. Some of it comes from the bone weariness of piloting a sinking ship.

All I got for now.

 

 

 

 

 

Health, Shadow Mountain

Sleep, wherefore art thou

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Spring and the Trial Moon

Shabbat gratefuls: Alan. Shadow. New meds. Sleepless on Shadow Mountain. Peanut Butter. Dan’s honey. Egg burrito.

Rene Good. Alex Pretti. Say their names.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Mystery

 

Kavannah: Contentment, Histakop. I have enough. Friends. Family. Money. Health. House. Help

Tarot: paused

One brief shining: Sleep difficulties continue. Working on it. A little pole-axed this morning. Numb. Weary. I do not function well when sleep leaves the house. Mental energy plummets. Tasks go by the way. I feel abandoned on a strip of bare reality.  No street lights. No traffic. No people. Me and the need to sleep.

 

Not loving the impact of this last week on Ancientrails. Decreased mental energy. Decreasing overall energy. Hard to sustain the most regular and predictable part of my life for the last twenty years.

I’m trying something new for the sleeping. Going to be fifteen minutes later each night until l hit 8:30 or 9:00. If that works, maybe I’ll be back  soon.

Until then, my eyes slowly close.

Back Pain, Cancer, Health, Shadow Mountain

Bad, Bad, Bad Sleep

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Spring and the Trial Moon

Shabbat gratefuls: Visiting Angels. Starts Tuesday. Xerostomia. Artemis. Shadow. Pole Star. Tesla. BMW. Volkswagen. Bolt.

Rene Good. Alex Pretti. Say their names.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Calories

 

Kavannah: Contentment, Histakop. I have enough. Friends. Family. Money. Health. House. Help

Tarot: paused

One brief shining: Lay on right side. No. Left side. No. Stomach. Not very long. On Back. A little longer. Sleep. Broken. Insufficient. Frustrating. Annoying. Prednisone at the root? I don’t know. Three new drugs this week. Prednisone the most likely culprit.

 

I know people who’ve trouble sleeping for decades. My desperation after four nights. Helps me get it. Right now I’m half-awake, half-aware and thinking of a nap. At 5 AM!

My mind has not felt clear. As if it has a layer of schmutz between its work and my day. I don’t like to do anything complicated when I feel like that. Mentally disabled for a period of time.

Even so, I did hire Visiting Angels.  Tuesdays and Fridays. 10-2pm. Don’t know who is coming yet. Excited to get this set up and working.

I’m fading. So this ends here. At least I got something down.

Cancer, Health, Shadow Mountain

Angels and Radioactivity

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Spring and the Trial Moon

Thursday gratefuls:  Melania in Pine. Heather. Tara. Trump, the worst President in U.S. history. Iran. Israel. A chaotic world. Actinium-223. Medical physicists. Rebecca. Taylor. Sam.

Rene Good. Alex Pretti. Say their names.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Nuclear Medicine

 

Kavannah: Netzach. Perseverance. Trial began on Wednesday. I need netzach as I enter this latest round of treatment.

Tarot: paused

One brief shining: Sloppiness. Careless disregard for human lives. Corruption oozing from every pore. Word salad speeches. Dunning-Krueger effect all the time. Trump has cut through our once proud nation with a buzzsaw, bringing the world hegemon to its knees, not through foreign enemies, but by domestic politics.

 

Yesterday. Lost sleep. Went back to bed then had to get up for the drive first to Littleton, then midtown Denver. By the time I got back, I was well and thoroughly exhausted. Didn’t write.

Today. Still fitful sleep, but better. More rested. Nothing out of the house today. Yay.

On Tuesday Heather from Visiting Angels. An in-home care company. She was a good listener and a lover of dogs. We talked for an hour, hour and a half. I liked her and the services they offered.

She said they recruit in the mountains for workers who can work up here. Glad to hear it because down the hill based services often don’t show up or charge higher prices. Melanie, who lives in Pine, has been waiting for an assignment.

Did not sign up yet. Wanted to talk to RJ and to Rich. RJ (money guy) said they’d increase my draw from the rollover to compensate. One box checked. Gonna call Rich this AM. He looked at folks he knew in the Evergreen/Conifer area.

I’m inclined to hire Visiting Angels, maybe today, if Rich has not found anybody. The worker, the Visiting Angel, would probably start next week. Tuesdays and Fridays. 4 hour shifts.

I need the help.

Yesterday. Bad sleep Tuesday night. Got up early, 3:30 am. Went back to bed until 6:30. Barely enough time to get ready for trial, day one.

Rebecca drove her gray Volvo up to the house at 8:00 am. After a hurried breakfast of peanuts and a protein bar, I was ready.

Made it to the cancer center before 9, my appointment time with Taylor, Dr. Dupathi’s other P.A. Perfunctory. Except. Sam, research co-ordinator, had my lab results. Since my last PSA, which was 92, my PSA went up to 520. Good thing I had Actinium-223 circulating about an hour later.

Rebecca and I drove north toward Denver on Broadway. Past the quaint and the curious shops, later the busy Colorado Capitol building with its real gold roof, and past the Brown  Palace Hotel.

At the research center I sat in a leather recliner, felt the familiar insertion of an IV. Two nurses, me, and a medical physicist.

Safety checks ahead of time, facetime with a nuclear medicine doc who had to give the go-ahead. The injection of the Actinium took five seconds. A thimble’s worth. If that.

Two ekg’s, three taking of my vitals, and an hour in the recliner after the injection.

About thirty minutes into the time, a nurse came with a Geiger counter. Click. Click. Click. Above my feet. Yes, the Actinium was in circulation.

After a review of the stringent protocols for the next seven days, a tired me got in Rebecca’s back seat, passenger side. Keeping my distance.

An hour later I let Shadow out, the first day of my trial winding down as I slumped into my chair.

Back Pain, Fourth Phase, Health, Shadow Mountain

Help

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Spring and the Trial Moon

Monday gratefuls:  G.I. tract calmer. Lightning. Red flag day. W.U.I. Rebecca. Visiting Angels. Politics. All dogs. Shadow.

Rene Good. Alex Pretti. Say their names.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Actinium

 

Kavannah: Netzach. Perseverance. Trial begins on Wednesday. I need netzach as I enter this latest round of treatment.

Tarot: paused

One brief shining: Today I have a meeting with folks from Visiting Angels. I need help at home. They will help me decide what kind. Looking forward to it. I realized a while ago I need help.

 

I have a difficult time making meals, seeing I get adequate nutrition. Cleaning the kitchen. Doing laundry. Standing and bending over, my head drops, straining my lower back from above. Changing sheets, pillow cases, blankets. Picking up and putting away groceries.

My old self exists. It looks at various household tasks, says, Oh, I can get those done in no time. So I get up to cook, to load the washer, to reorganize a crowded kitchen counter. And then, my back seizes up, my head drop exacerbates the back. Oof.

A helper for these tasks could lift the psychic burden–dishes, meals, laundry. I carry those unfinished tasks as a heavy collar around my neck.

I’m motivated by the trial which begins tomorrow. New, unknown side effects. Probably more appointments. I could use the unburdening.

Not cheap. Once Visiting Angels and I talk, I’ll create a budget and consult my financial folks at Bond and Devick. Plenty of money. Still, how much I leave behind matters to me.

In addition to the rollover I also have substantial equity in the house. I imagine that will more than compensate for whatever expenses I incur.

Rich Levine offered to help me look for a person. He found a companion for his mother, so he’s familiar with resources up here. After Visiting Angels and my financial consultation, I hope Rich and I can move quickly.

Moving through stages. I cooked and cleaned. Did the laundry. Not so long ago. Then, in September of 2023, I visited the Joseon Palace in Seoul. After a half hour of wandering this huge palace of Korea’s last dynasty, my back, which had never given me problems, failed. I hobbled to the car which seemed twice as far as when we entered.

A watershed moment. After much physical therapy and regular workouts, my back did not get better. Two and a half years of constant pain until my nerve ablation last November. That took away the pain, but my back problems continued.

This is why I need help.

I’m ready.

Not what I want.

Necessity.

 

AI, GeekWorld, Science

Bots and Meatsacks

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Spring and the Trial Moon

Monday gratefuls:  A quiet stomach. Shadow in the whole yard. Dog treats. Rigel. Hilo. Gabe in L.A. Ruth getting ready for finals.

Rene Good. Alex Pretti. Say their names.

Sparks of Joy and Awe: Healing

 

Kavannah: Netzach. Perseverance. Trial begins on Wednesday. I need netzach as I enter this latest round of treatment.

Tarot: paused

One brief shining: Saw in the NYT this am. Lightning wins half marathon. Time: 50:26. Just under seven minutes faster than the record set last month. By a human. Lightning fell near the finish line. Helped up by human bystanders.

Looking for something non-health related to write about today. The story about Lightning’s record time in a Beijing half-marathon. Yes, please.

300 robots ran alongside human marathoners-separated by metal fencing-but close enough to shake hands over the barrier.

What’s the real comparison? Not robotic marathoner vs human champion. Perhaps a whole human against machines made to mimic a particular human skill.

John Henry. The pile driving man. Remember him? A black worker tasked with drilling holes for dynamite. The legend pits John Henry against a steam-engine driven pile driver. John Henry wins, but dies from the strain. Wish he’d had helping hands like Lightning did.

Got me thinking. How might Jacob Kiplimo, the Ugandan whose time of 57 minutes and 20 seconds set the human record, fare against Lightning? Sure, seven minutes is a big gap, but Kiplimo might run even faster against the robot.

How will we measure flesh and blood against machines built for one task: pile-driving, marathon running. Lightning is purpose built to run marathons. He’s a one-trick robot like the steam-powered pile-driver. But their one-trick is pretty damned good.

A.I. measures its capacity against humans. This one’s as smart as a grad student. This one might win the Fields Medal. Besides. Which grad student.

If the artificial general intelligence, AGI, claim is ever made, it will be judged against human efforts, too. I remember the Go match between Korean 9-dan master, Lee Sidol, and AlphaGo. I watched all the matches.

Often, as AlphaGo moved, a commentator would add: “That’s a move no human would ever make.”

We humans operate in an odd dynamic here. We build machines to pound steel-drills into rock. To play go. Then, we pit our best, think Gary Kasparov, against the machine. When we humans go down in ignominious defeat, a small chunk of our uniqueness seems to vanish. Vanquished.

What will happen to our humanity when our final capacity has been defeated?

Not much, I imagine. So far Lightning can for sure run a fast marathon race. Probably faster than any human can dream of doing.

However. When the human marathoner crosses the finish line, they’ll return to family and friends. To work. When Lightning finishes, they will be loaded into a truck and driven back to the factory. No marathon, no purpose. Back to the shed for repurposing,

The point. Humans already have general intelligence and we have it already loaded into a body that can run marathons. Drive steel drills. Also, our sensory detectors are much further advanced than the most sophisticated machines. We blend all this effortlessly.

We are the complete package. Parts of our capacities appeal to researchers. So we get a.i. Or Lightning. But putting all those together in a unified working whole. Humans. Only humans. In that we stand alone.